Plumbing story et al...

OK, since there has been new and inadvertently exciting developments in my plumbing story, I thought it only proper to update my misery.
So basically...the story ended with me turning to Yellow Pages. I am being smart and I pick a company with a biggest add and a free phone number, which surely means they are great, efficient and suitable. After 30 minutes chat with an extremely polite lady, which presents their heating cover insurance, that would, in future cover me for all sorts of things bar dental extractions...she books me a heating engineer for 10am.
I can't believe it's that easy and I am not wrong but in that moment, happiness descends upon me like Jason's multicolour raincoat.

The next day, a Tuesday starts with me waking up happy and content but it turns slightly sour at 10am when I get a call from the plumbing people saying that my plumber is detained at the previous job and would be with me at 11.30am. No problem...I even thank them for ringing me on time, I am a sucker for customer service.
At 11.30am they call again and explain that my plumber had an emergency in E14 and he is dealing with burst pipes, gas leaks and near explosions in a needy family that features lone mother and her 5 very young kids...or some sort of sob story like that. ( I am acknowledging that my version is more gripping and further from the truth than Earth is to Mars, but it's what I remember )
Anyway...at 3pm, I am now the one ringing and I get assured that an engineer will be with me that day, the guy promises.
I have been busy in anticipation of my heating working fine by the sunset that I washed 3 loads, all ready to sit on my radiators, drying harmoniously any minute now...
At 5.30pm, the polite lady rings and tells me that the engineer, still battling with all sorts of plumbing perils in E14, will not make it to me after all. The lady makes a grave mistake of saying ' I know how you feel'
This makes me want to abuse her more, I explain to her what it's like to be stuck in a house with temperatures of -5, with 3 loads of washing now ready to mould, not being able to leave the bed because you are freezing everywhere else...
But I'm at her mercy and she books a plumber to come first thing on Thursday and I set off to local laundrette.

You know how it is in the films...the lone ranger walks in the local bar and it all goes quiet...well, same happened to me in my local laundrette.
I opened the door and set my foot in and the conversation stopped, all eyes on me.
I could hear them thinking 'a stranger...from the outside...' ( Well, no, actually a line from Toy Story but sounds good )
This made me paranoid and I politely asked if I could dry my clothes and was immediately reassured by the kind man that yes, I can do what I want.
I immediately spread myself across 4 driers and I am done in a short while.

But the day spent freezing at home has made me highly paranoid and even slightly merciless. I go wild over Yellow Pages. I book another plumber for Saturday and another for Thursday. I don't care anymore, first come first served...
I knew he was going to come first thing in the morning after couple of minutes. He took time to introduce himself to me politely.
He came sharp on 9am and I was barely conscious, in a combination of clothes that one could call colourful. JLo style velvet, pink tracksuit chav bottoms, a t-shirt, a stripy jumper and stripy socks, all in the colours that are highly uncomplimentary.
But Danny loved me.
After extensively explaining to me that he might have a problem getting a part for my boiler due to its age, I asked if there was an antique shop for boiler parts. Not my best joke but Danny falls in love with me right then. He says it is not often that a girl makes him laugh and he asks me out. Just like that.
I feel obliged to say yes because I am at his mercy so I do.
He fixes the bloody thing and takes me for an orange juice in a local McDonalds.

Now, I tend to have a talent for repelling men even when I don't want to but I now deploy a famous technique that allows me to do it with clean precision. It is called semantic priming.
You appear keen, yet you talk a lot about how you have left your husband, how people never really click, how bitter you are that your ex has moved on, how you hate men that don't do this and that and pretty soon Danny doesn't see me as the cute girl that has a flower on her pink trainers, he sees a bitch and he knows he is out of his depth here and he can't wait to finish his cheeseburger and go. He was probably constipated for days after that.
And I am free without any uncomfortable discussions.

You think it ended with Danny? Sadly no. The boiler breaks down again today. I can't get Danny on his phone, the Polish plumber recommended by Mia doesn't exit Camden and so the story begins again. But Sanja and I decided that will not break our spirit. We will survive without fixing the darn thing. Frankly I have no heart to deal with it anymore, I don't even care if I die of hypothermia.
All of this is nothing compared to what happened to Mia, whose plumber fell in love with her, used to turn up for work at weekends, stay till 11pm and was delaying the work till she suggested she should pay him and they should part ways.
He then went berserk, started ripping pipes out of the wall and by the time police turned up to cuff him and take the keys away from him he managed to cement the toilet and most drains, so I count myself lucky.
I am off to gym to shower...I knew the membership would come in handy.