Here's the thing....

At the party recently, an acquaintance asked me about our mutual friend. She wanted to know whether he elaborated on his latest relationship further with me as, she expanded, he only ever says 'medium' when asked how is it going.
She also went on to detail how he used to be enthusiastic over other women, and how sad it is to see the same person capable of passion in such degree settle for 'medium'.
So I rang him to ask the same question and I got the same answer.
I further enquired if they said 'I love you' and he said 'something along those lines'.


In the recent past, my friends have accused me of being obsessed with 'I love you' as I question everyone in a relationship when and how they said it first and after how long...
One should certainly forgive me as I have only ever said the mentioned statement to one man, not counting male friends and choosing to forget that one time, months after Roy Ferguson and I broke up and I somehow ended up in his bath when his girlfriend was away for Christmas. Ours was ever so torturing and very complex exchange, made more profoundly painful by the fact that he opened so many of my sides whilst I was just another girl to him and I wasn't gonna be caught dead telling him I was in love with him so I whispered it sitting behind him in his corner bath, hoping the words will set me free from agony. They didn't. What they did was procured 'did you say something?' from the man himself to which I swiftly said no and that was that.
Naturally, therefore I am curious how other people exchange love phrases.

The above example of a relationship is not the only one I feel strangely attracted to when it comes to analysis. Another friend of mine has now been in a relationship for close to two years with a really nice girl that lives in another town.
I guess distance always provides a buffer, an artefacts of a relationships, such as sex and companionship as well as support when needed without the usual compromise on freedom and personal space.
The problem is that along the relationship path, a 'nice girl' has been complaining now and again, even leaving him once, but such is pride that it is difficult to accept that someone might actually feel on some level you don't really love or admire them but instead, they provide you with something that you need in that moment in time and that in the long run, you don't see this growing in any meaningful way. Still pride makes you regret losing it.
So you go back, and the threat of loss acts as something that binds you for a while whilst disregarding the fact that in fact, it might be better that way.

Every time the 'nice girl' mentions moving to London to be with my friend, he starts fretting and cursing...not to her face though but I hear it. I hear what she should hear or instinctively know by now.
Once I asked him if they exchanged 'I love you' and he said that the 'nice girl' and asking him if he loved her (this should have been, perhaps a tiny clue), he responded 'I think I love you'.


One evening I asked him if he would ever marry the 'nice girl', him, after all being over 40. He insisted that he would never marry her and that it was down to the fact that he does not believe in marriage as such.
But then I asked him if he would have married the girl he was dating a while back, who, although not at first his type at all, managed to astound him, her brain working in ways that forever amazed him (his words, not mine), who left him, after which he had to move away in order not to make his heart bleed every time they met in the same work building.
And guess what, he said yes, with noted wistfulness and it came so quickly, without any hesitation, any pause.

I once asked my auntie Meri why she never married. I must have been about 12. She simply said this; "The man I wanted to marry did not want to marry me and those that wanted to marry me, I never felt that way about."
Even at that age I felt it was impressive how she resisted fear and stigma of an old spinster and she stayed single all her life, travelling, learning languages and being this cool person that would buy you amazing books and take you to grown up places, because she had time to explore them whilst our mothers were busy ironing and cooking for their families defined by the patriarchal society, whilst having to hold down full time jobs too.
It is not all fun and games...the downside of it is that she will die alone, as the society's definition of not having found your life partner explains it.
Yet I also remember the moment towards the end of my 9 year relationship, lying in the bath, feeling utterly alone, misunderstood, not being able to share my world with the person living with me because we had nothing in common but passion for one another, and I projected that feeling into another 30 years of my life, the emotion so powerful it almost suffocated me.
Life is too short for 'medium'.


As female side of population in general, we are programmed to want to mate for life, finding a mate that will father our children and be with us till the end of time, helping the eggs to hatch and bringing worms to the nest, or in the times of equality...something along those lines but with more conversation and occasional flowers. Perhaps there is a fear factor attached to that biological need too. Men, on the other hand are different, and therefore as such, are not all that bothered about getting married. But men know passion like women know conversation. And they know that in order to have true passion, some feelings will evolve that go beyond basic and selfish needs and there it is that marriage enters the picture for men. It is when they truly care about a girl and are sure in their choice that they do it, rarely out of biological need...and those men are to be avoided at all cost anyway.

Fundamentally I do believe that some people make you swoon, impress you in ways that others never could, even if your life depended on it. And it just happens. It won't always fit perfectly but those details are able to be ignored when you look at the masterpiece.
And it isn't even just in a romantic domain, but across friendships too, and I can see that now, looking at friends that I kept that something deep and unsaid with throughout my whole life and those that served their needs, whatever those were at the time, tied with circumstances mostly and not with passion, with connection.
The same with lovers. There were those that were a good bet, ones that I got on with just fine, no major arguments, no major clashes, but also no passion upon passion, mentally or physically. Usually the ones that your head strives towards but your heart rejects despite the comfort in knowing they are safe for you, they will never be able to hurt you because they have not engaged you in any meaningful way.

It seems that men are better at relationships like that than women and it could be due to emotional attachment during sex, women being more engaged emotionally with those that make the earth move for them. Or I could just be talking about myself here...whilst men tend to tolerate more in different domains while safeguarding their heart or just wanting an easy life instead.
There is a difference, though, to those smart enough to recognise it when it arises with a potential lover, a difference between someone being totally into you and viewing you as someone that ticks all their boxes yet never gets their heart.
Still, the confounding variable in this might well be the fact that it isn't so easy to resist someone you are really into whilst they are just peripheral when it comes to you.
So you want to believe in magic.
But believing in magic become so much more difficult once you experience it and you know exactly how it is executed, and someone performing a simple juggling act with barely 3 balls will never earn your respect and admiration after you acquire knowledge that the same act can be done with 6 for your viewing pleasure.
Yet so many people find it easier to either juggle 3 or accept the performance with 3 because at that precise moment, that is all there is on offer.
That way you have a person, but you don't really have them at all, as they are never present for you, they are just sitting next to you.

After all my analysing and all my philosophising, I am often asked what it is, being such a smarty-pants, that I want.
I read somewhere recently what Jerry Hall said about Mick Jagger. She said: "He was never the handsomest of men but he sparkled."
As for the question about what it is that I want, at least that is easy...I want someone to introduce me to passion upon passion, life into all its graces...me into all mysteries....
I want someone that sparkles.