Cynicism

Where does cynicism begin? I mean, what is that point at which one becomes cynical, that point of no return, after which, life is never quite the same.

Some philosopher or was it psychologist...or maybe he was both, came up with an idea that we, as humans, use what is known as 'somatic markers'.
Everything that happens to us in the course of our lives maps somehow into our mind in order to make a larger map and after considerable amount of experience and years...you have a whole city, and you know just which areas to avoid.
Going somewhere in life would require a whole range of assessments which might be beyond our capacity for calculation of chance and this is where somatic markers come in, they provide guidance in these decisions.


They say that remembering something depends on the level of intensity and the re-occurrence. You get where I am going with this...
Is there anyone these days that isn't damaged by something? Past relationships, bad parenting, non-neutered pets that mark the house...whatever it is, nobody has it easy.
The thing is, as well as acquiring wisdom along the way, one also acquires healthy dose of cynicism as well as destructive pre-dispositions that seems to go hand in hand with it, unless you are a full time Buddhist, then you just love everyone and meditate for hours in order to feel nothing.
So what happens when you have it all worked out, you know the usual route, the one you take in your daily journeys. It's comfortable, you use it over and over until one day...there is a re route through your city. It is not as if you planned it that way, sometimes there are various factors that determine this for you and there is nothing you can do. You have to adjust.
But having to get to your usual destination now encompasses going through that area you have mapped as 'never never land'.
You've been there, you've learnt your lesson, you even got the t-shirt...it's still in your closet with the bloodstains all over it.
So how do you overcome this obstacle? On the outside, it looks insurmountable, frightening, almost unbearable.
Yet it is also not your choice to have to do this, or is it?

I often wonder if we, as humans, and as cynical as we pretend to be, and as damaged as we appear to be, still don't hold that tiniest thread of hope that just once, things can happen the same way but the outcome will be completely different, it will nourish our atrophied beliefs in others and in the end, everything will somehow work out just right.
I certainly put myself through some fire squad exercises but I do so in the blind belief that this time I will learn to dodge it, learn to move in ways that will assure my survival. And at the other side, I will be hailed a hero.

The truth is, however, somewhat different and most often than not, I just end up in the hospital for a while till the bleeding stops.
And each time I believe in its possibility a little less, yet I am still idealistic as ever, if not more so, the years of working out just the exact formula making me just more focused on the success and all else is just means to an end.
Yet I seldom succeed and I wonder if I am partly to blame for that too. I wonder how much of the success depends on not sabotaging it in the early stages with doubts?
Yet even though most people tend to be able to work that out, they do so, and sometimes in such subliminal ways that are not so easy to detect.
It is even worse when the subliminal ways are apparent to you yet you just aren't able to detach from them, they have weaved their influence so deep inside your conscious experience that it is hard to amputate them without losing a vital organ as well, and so decision becomes all the harder to make.

Wouldn't it be nice to have a road sign or two to just warn of impending doom? Or just to let you know what is coming around the corner so that you can be ready.



The thing is, I see that I am not alone in that, that for the most part to the relatively intelligent folk, things are just as hard as they are for me and I yearn for that time when things were simpler, when I didn't have so much knowledge at my disposal. Back then decisions were easier.
The thing is, that time is gone and nothing will ever make it the same again and I guess that in order to get to where I need to be, I have to work out a way of going over that terrain I fear so much instead of languishing in areas that are comfortable, safe, even pleasant yet ever so unchallenging and lacking that certain magic that outlasts the mediocre.
That is the only way. Yet I see myself procrastinating on the other side, calling in sick, justifying my fear from time to time, but where does that truly lead? Sometimes I like to think it will lead to something that will eventually become acceptable but in reality it probably leads to getting sacked at some point and through the cynicism, becoming unemployable?