Fear of commitment

I always thought that was something men told women they wanted to sleep with but not marry and it is, as female multiple orgasm, an urban myth.
But I am finding myself more and more convinced it is a real and very much pathological illness that needs to be widely recognised.

My ex boyfriend, in the e mail with which he dumped me, wrote these words:
" What bigger responsibility than choosing your life partner." And I guess that is so true even though at the time, I was too pissed off to see his point. But is it all so rational? Whatever happened to falling so madly in love with an unsuitable person and not caring how dysfunctional it is? What happened to meeting someone that annoys the shit out of you, yet you just cannot help yourself and you fall for them none the less. Or meeting someone you would think would be the least likely person you would fall for yet one day you realise you have and you marry?
I have covered all of those and now I guess, I am like many of my friends, in a limbo that is called maturity.

The last relationship scared me because I could have happily carried on with it although I don't think it would have ever been real, I never quite believed in it yet it was comfortable. What makes things comfortable enough to push aside all the worries and all the lacks of human interaction you need or crave or just want in another?
See, what scared is a recent realisation that I form opinions of men I meet on the basis of how good they would be as a potential partner, and dare I say this... someone to mate with.
Law of evolution recognises that men choose on the basis of attractiveness to procreate their genes and women, as they are the ones sitting on the eggs in the nest, look for the specimen that is likely to stick and take care of the fledglings. I did not make this up, this is a known fact.
So, I find myself weighing men up on those grounds, rather than what they make me feel.
And I catch myself at it.
And this freaks me out to no end.
I guess that I am now becoming more aware of my age and the laws of procreation.
I can't really hear my biological clock, I think it is one of those good quality Swiss clocks, or maybe it is the fact that I work with kids that fulfils me and I need no further kid satisfaction, but I can foresee the time when it will matter.
I can also, knowing myself, see that having a fledgling with an optimum specimen will not be enough for me. I am one of those highly complicated women that want it all.
My objections to that are based on running away from one nest that was reasonably comfortable, which came with that specimen mentioned above, yet I still wasn't happy.
What I wanted was that he entertains me too, and challenges me, makes me see wider options. I guess I wanted Jonathan Livingston.
I didn't just want any bird that was prepared to sit in the nest.

The paradox here in this story is that I have reached the point where I feel little excitement, enthusiasm or energy when it comes to engaging with the opposite sex.
I think time does that to you, you live alone for a period of time and you become more than self efficient, you forget what it is like to fuck someone you adore, what it is like to come home after shitty day at work and having someone to feed you and listen to your moaning, you forget what a Sunday looks like in bed with someone on a rainy day....it is not that you no longer want or need these things, you forget you ever had a need or a want for them, what they felt like, worse still, you lose the image of yourself doing any of those things with someone.
I think that is nature, self preservation, you learn to function with what you have.
But how much is this responsible for also holding us back from getting back to that place? Having no clear image of what you want must blur your edges and emaciate your world to the point where you don't need anything else and need is what drives the desire to do foolish things, not think about how wide is the prime specimen's ass and how many eggs would fit under it, but instead you think about how much fun you'd have creating them and just how much fun you will have generally after the function of mating is completed and you throw fledglings out of the nest and it is just the two of you there, nothing to do but hang out....