Kissing Jessica Stein

Mijbil and I started this game when we watched ‘Kissing Jessica Stein’, a poignant yet whimsical film about a lonely girl living in her own world of inner judgments, who answers an add by another woman and unwittingly becomes a lesbian because all she ever wanted was a true connection and inadvertently, she had to ‘eat pussy’ for it.

During the film, Mijbil started this game...she picked Jessica’s really ugly friend as a reference and asked me: “What would you choose? To be utterly ugly like her but to have a guy who is all you want or be like Jessica Stein?” I choose to be an ugly girl. Then this game escalated beyond the film and we added things into it like:” Would you be ugly but with the right guy and really poor or successful and pretty without one?” etc etc...

Mijbil got inventive over it...I think it piqued her that I would answer ‘the right guy’ before she would finish sentences and she tried to entice me with all sorts of things...

I have been single for ages now, in truth, I don’t even notice men in a sexual way. When I flirt, it isn’t from whatever primal sense it ought to come from, it is just words...kinda like a feeling that amputees have after their limbs have been removed, you get the feelings but they are not real. As an idealist, I believe in true love...as a statistician, I know that odds are not that great. Apparently men commit more suicides, work and die more in dangerous professions, are more likely to be psychotic, pedophilic, train spotters, bird watchers, fanatics...are born less frequently than females in the West due to women malnourishing themselves to be a size zero, die younger, are less likely to leave bad relationships and ask for divorce, which means once they get left, they are also damaged for ages because they were not the ones leaving and this leaves them bitter and mistrustful of women.

There are just not enough men in the world. My brother once told me that as species...women choose, men get no say in selection. Maybe that is true...I am holding out for that very elusive specimen with whom I would have everything, passionate sex, utmost and profound affinity, humour, small in-jokes, wonderful adventures, travels, books, music, friends, parties and eventually a child or at least a Burmese cat, a new idea that came to me after witnessing an encounter between a mother and a teenager on the tube, suddenly seeing innocent kids in the whole new light.

Anyhow, eventually the game got to the point of whether I would give all I own and have and worked for the right guy and I said I would. Would I surrender my house and my education and my job and instead work in Sainsbury’s on the till?

I would, because when I come home I know I would have another world, I would be understood and I would laugh and I would be with a guy who is my lover and my best friend and we are truly together, down to the last secret, the last fault. And even if we had no money to travel, we would dream where we would go together and plan. And be bitchy together, something that everyone is encouraged to get rid of when single…

Those that never quite had that don’t miss it or know they can have it and then it is easier not to want all of that. But what happens to those that had that and wants that again? I once read that Joan Collins’s husband number four sued her for quite a bit of money and arguing his case, he simply said that although he was a bricklayer before he met her, she got him used to a better life, luxuries he never had and after years of that, he cannot go back to simple life.

In emotional terms, I am Joan’s fourth husband...only I haven’t got anyone to sue in order to get me the guy I want again.